Epiphany.

We've lived in Saipan for more than three years now and have been aware of a sort of magic here. All this time I couldn't put my finger on exactly what made Saipan feel so special but I finally figured it out. Life here is simple; it's laid back and calm, and ultimately it makes it so much easier to focus on the important things.

That's the magic of Saipan.

There's no unspoken pressure to fit in, no Target to lure us into buying things we don't need, no Martha Stewart catalogs to try to emulate. Our walls are uncurated, our wardrobe full of t shirts and we eats bananas all year long. We have nothing to prove to anyone because everyone is just so accepting here. There's no pressure to be anyone but yourself. You're not constantly caught up in the hustle and bustle of "busy life." You sit by the beach and watch the waves crash, you eat outside on your doorstep to watch the sunset, you collect sea glass and shells with the kids and you just enjoy the moment.

I've never felt so free as I do here in Saipan. Sure we don't have Walmart or Target or any kind of one stop shopping. We don't have big shopping malls or theme parks or even real street addresses-- heck, half the world won't even ship here. But it's that kind of simplicity that forces you to go back to the basics. I've learned how to make countless things from scratch, I fix things instead of buying a new one, I read books with my kids because we don't have cable, I don't wear makeup except to church, I live. I really, truly live.

Every place has it's good and it's bad but Saipan will always be in my heart. I've never felt such a deep seeded sense of home and self freedom as I do here. It's going to be bittersweet these last 10 months we spend here but I will never, ever forget it. Viva Saipan, and viva island living.

Just a Phase.

My blogging has been lacking and truthfully it's my fault. I have this problem with over filling my life with things and then running around like a crazy person trying to accomplish them all. People often tell me that they're impressed with all the things I juggle but the truth is, I don't. In fact, I'm a terrible juggler. If you lived with me you'd see that my dishes aren't done, that there's laundry on the floor in almost every room and that we got take out for dinner at least 4 times this month already.

I go through this "transition phase," with every baby I think. It takes me quite awhile to admit that I have to cut some things out of my priorities list now that things are different. I'm pretty stubborn and even though I know it ahead of time, I still try to keep "doing it all," for months until I finally swallow my pride. I'm approaching that phase now.

Life with the littles is amazing and exhausting. Especially for one as particular as me. I hate that my kitchen/living room isn't straightened up when I go to bed. I hate that I haven't prepared a beautiful meal in months. I hate that I'm still barely running a 5k even 6 months after giving birth.

But you know what I love?

Listening to Owen tell me about his day.
Watching June "dance," with her princess figurines.

Snuggling up to Rand's squishy cheeks.

Seeing Tim's scooter come up the driveway.

The fact that I'm still kicking, even on 4 hours of sleep.

Oh, and cookies. Always room for cookies.

I may not be able to do it all, but I definitely feel like I have it all.

Love & Marriage.

Normally Tim and I are pretty traditional. Since year one we've given each other the "traditional anniversary," themed gifts. It started getting old. We realized we were just gathering things we didn't really like or want just because it was "metal," or "linen," or what-have-you. The past few years we have really come to understand how low key we are and noticed that the things we loved best about our anniversaries was the time we had together, not the gifts. (Though some were pretty cool, I must say) Every anniversary that we've been on Saipan we've gone on a hike together before exchanging gifts and this year we decided that would be our tradition for anniversaries from now on. 

We chose an easy and quick hike but it was beautiful and solitary and we loved it.

In my mind my real life started the day I met my husband. It sounds nuts but I knew deep down I would marry him, even on our first meeting when I was young and stupid and he was dating someone else. Everything I am today I owe to him and my Savior. Before Tim my life, though good at times, was mainly rough and rocky. He taught me how to live again, how to love myself and how to rise to my potential. The day we were married I was so happy. I had visions of our happy life together and it looked amazing. I knew life with him would be amazing, but this---this is much, much more. 

I love you Tim. Much more than you'll ever know.

Nostalgia.

A few months ago June had been pretty grumpy and I was running out of ideas to keep her occupied. I tied an apron on her and told her I needed her help to wash dishes. We did all of them together, and it took forever but she stuck with me. Soapy bubbles are magic for this girl. It warmed my heart. And not just because she looks so tiny in my apron but because I had seen this somewhere before.

My mother did the same thing with me. And I remember it. I remember feeling like I was SUCH a big help as I covered dishes in bubbles. The more the better, right? We would sing songs the entire time and to this day it's one of my favorite memories. We did it often but we only have one photo of it. I'm so grateful for this photo. It speaks so well to the reasons why I love photography so much. These little things in life will someday be the big things and I want to remember them all.

She may look like her Father but she still has a little of me in her.
And I love that.

Jungle Shoot

Recently during a workshop I was given some advice: to do a shoot just for me. Not for anyone else. Full creative freedom to capture whatever I want, wherever I want; to take risks and go with any crazy ideas I had. Immediately I complied a list of shoots I wanted to do by the end of the year. Some were normal and some were totally crazy. I decided to start with one that was just a tad bit crazy and this is what came out.

 

We got cut by Noni leaves, chased by hornets and even got my car stuck out in the jungle for a bit, but it was so, so worth it. My love for photography has just been reignited and I couldn't be more excited about it.

It's Twilight Time.

And not as in Edward & Bella. I'm talking Nat King Cole crooning, "Twilight Time," with this glorious sunset as a backdrop as we swim near wild banana trees kind of Twilight Time. It's always been my favorite time of day no matter where we are. The sun as it sets, the shadows it creates, the warm glow that turns everything to gold. I remember begging to stay outside and watch this golden effect even as a kid and my love for it has remained almost three decades later.

And I guess that's the lesson I needed to hear. Wherever we live the sun will rise and set. We will still get that golden light. It may not be Saipan, but it will be a new home with new possibilities and new sunsets to watch our children grow through. Until then, I'm going to enjoy every golden hour I can before it moves.

Home.

 

We live in a crazy amazing place. I know that. There's good and bad about Saipan but it's mostly good and we love it here. Unfortunately, we will eventually have to say goodbye to it. Next summer we plan to move from this tropical treasure and it's got me going a little crazy. Some days I can't wait to jump start our move and get things rolling, look at houses, plan a new home, a new life and other days I'm feverishly trying to find ways that we could make Saipan our permanent home. I guess that's the downside of traveling all over the world--you come to love too many things and it's impossible to have it all in one place. I tried to make a pro's and con's list once to try to help me sort it out in my head---it didn't help. 

Here was my list before I quit:

Cons:

-The internet here is laughable. It's not dial up but boy is it slow, and crazy unreliable.

-The schools here aren't great. Even the private schools have issues you need to deal with from time to time and with Owen's speech delay it just makes it harder.

-There is one hospital and it is adequate but it's really hard to get in, and very political.

-Because it's a small island there are a lot of "small island quirks." Such as: Our government buildings only take cash, our drivers licenses look like fake IDs, most stores don't open until 11am, prices are higher, availability is low, etc, etc.

-Directions are hard here. There aren't many actual street names so finding places becomes a landmark puzzle. It works fine after you've been here awhile but it was complicated in the beginning.

-You have to rent a PO Box since there aren't any physical addresses (or mailmen!) and mail is suuuuuuuper slow. 

-We have some amazing restaurants but they're mostly asian. I miss Mexican and Italian food.

-There are no seasons. It's truly an endless summer here. That's usually a good thing but I do miss Fall sometimes.

-There aren't many indoor things to do. Which isn't a big deal since there are beaches galore but during rainy season we can only do crafts inside for so long.

-Bugs. Fire ants, cetipedes, cockroaches, and on and on. And I'm not just talking about outside, oh no, they will get into your house. It's how life is here. There are always ants in the house and my kids are always getting bitten by fire ants at the park. 

-Availability here is low so you have to order online a lot and most places won't ship here.

-No dishwashers. You wouldn't think this is a big deal, heck-- my first 3 apartments didn't have one, but having to do dishes at least twice a day gets old, and fast.

-It's expensive. Lots of things here are cheap but things you need like food, gas, electricity, etc are really expensive and it adds up fast.

Pros:

-It's stunningly beautiful here. It's just beach after beach and lush forests.

-The sunsets. We get KILLER sunsets here and almost nightly.

-The hiking. There's so much beauty here that hiking is a dream. Plus with all the history of WWII on island you almost always run into an old tank or old shells or a hidden bunker. It's pretty neat.

-Pedicures and Massages and Seamstresses. Holy cow, I had never been so spoiled in my life. Spa services here are insanely cheap and I can't take you how many dresses I've had tailored or custom made because of the low cost.

-Snorkeling and Diving. It's amazing. The colors and abundance of the wildlife here is just insane.

-Tropical fruits. Super cheap, grown locally and so delicious. Mango season is my happy time.

-Culture. There is so much of it here.

-Community. It's such a small island that you see friends everywhere. You become friends with the cashiers at the grocery store because they see you so often, you know your landlord, your waitresses, even people I see on the running trail everyday know my name. I have strangers come up to me all the time and say, "Hey! You're the lady I saw on beach road running with her kids in the stroller!" Boom. Friends made. It's pretty amazing.

-It's so chill. Seriously. No one cares what you wear, what you look like or even if you wear shoes. I can't tell you how many grocery stores I've walked into with no shoes and no one even bats an eyelash. It's so nice to be away from the States for that reason. Even when we visit I feel the pressure to get dressed, put on make up and look "presentable." Here, I throw my hair in a bun, put on a maxi dress and flip flops and it's totally cool. 

-The travel. Oh, the places you can see! We've been to Palau (home of the world wonder Jellyfish Lake), Japan for the famous Cherry Blossom Season, Managaha (a neighboring island I can see from my window that boasts one of the most beautiful beaches in THE WORLD), Tinian (another neighboring island with tons of WWII history and amazing cliff jumping), and Guam. And that's just the tip of the iceberg! We'd love to go to Thailand, Bali, India, Austrailia, Taipei, China and Singapore. Obviously, with our time frame we won't get to all of them but it's been insanely fun so far.

-The people. I don't know what it is about being in such a small place but you all just band together. The friends we've made here have become our family.

So you see, it really wasn't helpful. The things I love about this island and our home here hold such huge weight but the reasons for leaving are so permanent and unchanging that I'm left feeling a little stuck. We love our island home but I do look forward to making a new and more permanent home somewhere else. Until then we will be milking it for as much as we can here.

Christmas Recap

I know--it's almost February. But that's how it goes when you have a newborn, a full house and a full schedule. Nevertheless, these moments were great ones. 

Christmas was fun. The kids are old enough now to start to get a little excited and ask questions about Christmas and Jesus. I was getting so giddy this year picking out pajamas and watching as Tim stayed up past midnight to put together their kitchen set on Christmas Eve. These are the magical Christmases. I got a little too giddy and went a little overboard on presents. I just get so excited thinking about their happy faces when they open it that I just buy it on the spot. I need to tone that stuff down, ha! Plans for next Christmas are already commencing in my head. Simple, much more simple.